Wednesday’s post about the lymphoma scare got me thinking about external factors that could be fueling the fires of my current hypochondriac/OCD/Anxiety episode.
First, BF and I relocated (Fall 2006) to a depressed area of the country from a bubble area to buy Barbora’s Dream House. Ok! I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a fixer-upper, somewhere between the old house in “It’s a Wonderful Life” and the old house in “A Christmas Story.” The “Christmas Story” similarity became apparent this past holiday season when BF really did run down to the basement (cussing) to change the fuse in the fuse box when I plugged in the Christmas lights!
It’s a 90+ year old house that needs a lot of work. It’s less than a block away from my Mom’s house, and I actually dreamed of living here when I was growing up. We’re slowly working on it, but unfortunately, most of what we’ve done so far doesn’t really show, like rewiring, exchanging the fuse box for a breaker box, adding outlets, putting in modern appliances, getting the old furnace, gutters, roof and chimney repaired and getting one large tree pruned. I know that once we get some fresh paint up and some new carpeting down, I’ll feel encouraged. It just hasn’t happened yet.
Also, this bout of anxiety coincides with us ripping out most of the original floor covering upstairs. I could be creating a superfund site! Asbestos, lead, Lord only knows what horribly toxic substances we could be stirring up!
Second, neither BF nor I have been able to find jobs in our former professions here. We have both been out of work for almost six months. The sad fact is that we may need to take part-time (or otherwise) jobs, pumping gas, cashiering, flipping burgers, etc…until we can find more suitable employment. Working as a cashier at a Wal-Mart would kind of suck, but what would suck even more would be being stuck here in isolation any longer, which brings be to…too much time on my hands.
Third, being isolated and growing more isolated by the day is not doing me any good. I would be better off in many ways, cashiering at Wal-Mart or volunteering with the local SPCA. It would at least get me out of this internal, worrying, spiral.
Fourth, I came back here to me near my Mom. The reality of being near her is both a plus and a minus. I love her so much and feel a lot less guilt, now that I get to see her every day, but she is in her 80’s and has cancer and heart disease. I worry about her and worry about her worrying about me.
My point is not to just whine. These are MY choices. I’m doing what I want to do. I just want to acknowledge that my life is chock-full of stressors at the moment. When this happens, my brain seems to want to compensate by dreaming up even worse things to worry about.
My brain is VERY good at this.
1 comment:
Barbora,
Oh yeah, those stressors, even though you chose them, can definitely trigger the bouts of hypo and other worries. I almost laughed at the number we have in common (including a vinyl floor that needs to be ripped up).
Like you, I am caring for an aging parent. My brother, who lives a full-day's drive away and has no interest in elder care, will occasionally warn me that I'm taking on too much. But there's nobody else to do it--so am I supposed to just turn my back? And there is satisfaction in taking care of Dad, even though it frustrates and terrifies me (mostly the decision-making parts). I don't talk to my brother much these days. Anyway, when I looked back on the trajectory of my symptoms, I realize there was a lot of Dad stuff going on during the most recent exacerbations.
You seem to have a good understanding of what's getting at you. Maybe it would be worth it to find a job or even volunteer work. Just make sure it's something that will occupy your mind. My job has been boring lately, and I just spend my time there looking up symptoms on the internet, etc. In fact, I have negotiated time off to try to catch up on the stuff I haven't done at home because I've been so busy chasing symptoms the last couple of months. One of the first things my boss said when I asked her was "are you sure it won't just get worse if you're at home with nothing to do?" Smart woman. (I didn't tell her part of the time will be used in doctor shopping.)
Good luck to you with this.
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