Kalashnikov

Last Wednesday night, BF and I walked to the nearby pub for $2.50 clam night. When went to the lady’s room there, I found a stack of brochures (in the lady’s room) from a firing range in the Poconos that rented all different kinds of fire arms and welcomed beginners.
I brought one of the brochures out to BF who exclaimed, “This is the place I was telling you about! We should go!”

After church today, we drove out to the Poconos for a fine afternoon of shooting!

I never shot a gun before in my life. They gave me the safety talk and put a .22 rifle in my hands to start. I was terrified. I was amazed when I actually hit the target it was pointing at! Seeing the bowling pin swinging on the end of the rope at the end of the range was so cool!

BF was VERY wise to move me to a larger gun quickly, or I probably would never shoot anything but a .22…ever.

I shot an AK-47! A Kalashnikov!

Should I Laugh or Cry?

This morning while I getting ready for work, BF stared at my butt. "Robert Crumb would love your ass!" he proclaimed. Aaaaaagh!

I felt like Devil Girl all day.

Pounds of Pancakes

For several years now, BF has wanted to get a griddle. I’m less enthusiastic. We once read a review of a particular griddle in Cook's Illustrated. It said the griddle was a good idea if you “fry pounds of bacon and mountains of pancakes every weekend.”

While BF and I do love to eat, we do NOT fry pounds of bacon and mountains of pancakes every weekend! Every time BF has brought up the griddle idea since then, I quickly point out that we don’t fry pounds of bacon and mountains of pancakes every weekend.

Well, today, BF proved me wrong!

This morning, he got out his America’s Test Kitchen recipe for blueberry pancakes and fried up a stack of ‘em! I packed them neatly two in freezer bags with little pieces of wax paper separating them. BF has breakfasts for a week!

We’re nowhere near as organized as SA D…but hey! BF is trying…and I helped!

Business Lunch

Today was my second day at my new job. So far so good….although I’m still in the “Oh! My God! I hope I’m up to the challenge!” phase.

I left this wonderful stress-free job..Why did I have to go and upset the applecart? Etc…

I remind myself of course that I’m making almost double what I did at that stress-free job and that this position is comparable to the last professional position I held. Fundraising is my career path and if I look at it objectively, I am right on track (especially considering I just relocated here in October).

I’m not a socio-phobe, but I do have enough social anxiety going on that going on that going out and asking people for large amounts of money keeps my brain out the existential cesspool. So, this is actually “good” for me.

There is just so damn much information to absorb, that I’m totally overwhelmed and a bit scatter-brained as a result. Yesterday in the rush of getting ready to leave in the morning, I left the beautiful lunch I packed on the bed right in front of the dog’s crate. When I got home last night and let Mr. Twister out, he exploded out of his crate and made a b-line for the warm antipasto salad! Poor little bastard probably smelled it all day!

I’m working in a very small office right now and it is a little strange, especially after being at such a large for-profit corporation, albeit briefly. The group I work with now, all meet for lunch at the table in our break-room. We all sit-down to lunch together the way a family sits down to dinner. We each have our own “place” at the table. We typically each bring our own food to the table, although yesterday, the President treated us, since the “brand-new development gal” forgot her lunch. It’s part of the corporate culture and is therefore important. I am making the effort to fit in although it is my strong preference to eat in the privacy of my office.

BTW: I still have about an hour commute each way as the completion of our new headquarters is about a month away. Everything is going to change when we move into the new office. It’s really going to be a beautiful new setting…and yes, VERY close to home. I can’t wait. On a good day, I’ll be able to leave the house at 7:58 am, Go home for lunch and then leave for the day at 4:02pm. Unfortunately, as an exempt, salaried, professional, I’ll probably be able to do this less than 2 weeks out of the year.

Just My Luck

I’m taking a week off between jobs and planned to FINALLY head down to the Pennsylvania Driver’s License Center and trade in my California License…when the state shuts down. Of course all the Driver’s License Centers are closed!

Perhaps by the end of the week, they’ll be able to balance the budget.

The Sphinx

My Mom is a great lover of animals. She has one beautiful fat and sassy indoor cat and two feral cats that live under her shed and on her back porch. The ferals are a mother and son that are neutered/spayed, current with their shots, well fed and accepting of my Mom’s (and ONLY my Mom’s) affection.

At 85, my Mom now focuses a huge portion of her attention on the maintenance of these cats. She is well versed in the brands and flavors of food these two feral cats prefer and is well familiar with which stores carry these brands and flavors at the best price. These cats have set their asses in the proverbial tub o’ butter. She’s running a four-star, feral cat bed and breakfast.

Several days ago however, things got a little difficult. A new cat showed up on the scene looking for…the hospice. The proprietor of the B&B had herself one hell of a customer service issue.

The new cat was in very bad shape. It was sick or injured or maybe both. Its face was partially eroded away in such a manner that made it resemble the sphinx, over in Egypt that is.

The poor animal was friendly enough that I think it must have been someone’s pet. It was obviously dying. The Sphinx continued to deteriorate until finally when I got over there yesterday afternoon, I found Mom in tears fanning flies away from it. She didn’t know what else she could do to make it more comfortable. It was a hot, humid afternoon and Mom had been at it for several hours. She began really crying, and explained that she didn’t have the strength to take the cat to be euthanized.

By the time I got he box and towel and BF collected, the regularly scheduled afternoon thunderstorm was well underway. BF put on rubber gloves and scooped up the sick cat. He put it in a cardboard cat carrier and we whisked it off into my car. The stench of death and gangrenous cat filled the car. The windows went down. I drove down the length of the town’s main thoroughfare pelted by huge raindrops, thunder and lightning crashing on each side.

And so, the Sphinx was put down. BF did the hard part, God bless him! I just drove. The wonderful emergency veterinary clinic didn’t charge us.

After putting the cat down, BF showered and then we got pizza, pierogies and potato pancakes and spent several hours with Mom, eating and chatting and getting things back to baseline.

It occurs to me that being “heroic” consist of simply doing what’s got to be done when others are to panicked and/or overwhelmed to do it. Keeping your head, remaining dispassionate and taking action when others around you are flipping out is a very good thing...although not always possible.

Happy July 4th!

I started out searching on the Internet today for a nice 4th of July image to post when I happened upon the site, “Doll Greetings.”

Wow! Very creepy indeed…especially seeing the first two dolls “waving” when I logged on. The jerky animation makes it look more like hitting.

St. Patrick's Day, 1950's Ideal "Posie" looks like she should be saying “Hi Chucky! Want a hand job?”

Madame Alexander's Queen Isabella and Christopher Columbus look like they’re up to no good.

1965 Grown Up Pos'n Tammy in 2001 Barbie London Tour outfit looks shockingly like Nicole Kidman al la Twilight Zone.

2002 Robert Tonner 14" Betsy McCall wearing handmade "Back to School" dress looks like a t…I mean developmentally disabled.

1992 Annalee "Back to School Girl" doll is the worst! I’m going to have nightmares! I think Back to School Girl was run over by the bus. She’s like a post-op terror. “Doctor! What have you done to my face?!? Oh no! My arm! Oh shit! I want my attorney!”

2000's Ann Estelle and her friends by the Tonner Doll Company have a strange “Stepford Wives” quality. I wouldn’t turn my back on them.

1960's "Hilda The Hillbilly" and 2000's Annalee Angel Christmas Ornament are very strange.

2003 Effanbee Gloria Ann doll wearing a dress made from a 1952 vintage sewing pattern has got a mean, plantation-owners daughter look to her. She’s probably pissed that 2005 Marley Wentworth doll by Robert Tonner got ahead of her in line. Gloria Ann looks like she could eat Chucky’s liver and wash it down with a nice mint julep. Now there’s a doll you could see smoking a cigarette!

Wee Patsyette by Effanbee from the 2005 Tonner Halloween Convention says “Help! I have a pumpkin stuck to my ass!”

So there you have it! Happy 4th of July!

I apologize in advance to who ever this might offend.

Her Methods Were Unsound

"They told me that you had gone totally insane, and that your methods were unsound." – Willard

"Are my methods unsound?" – Kurtz

"I don't see any method at all, sir." – Willard

Well, I think I’ve found the cure for the stinking feet disease…only I went about finding it with complete disregard for scientific method…so, I really don’t know what the cure is.

Instead of trying one thing at a time, I went to the store to get the Selsun Blu and also got Clotrimazole (1%) ointment, foot spray and I simultaneously began wearing Crocks around the house. The combination is working famously! I made BF smell my feet today after I got home from work and he had to admit they smelled like healthy, clean feet!

Crocks are really amazing. I bought them for the kayak trip, but fell in love with them afterward. They really are bacteria resistant and damned comfortable for wearing around the house…ok, I admit I wore them grocery shopping today. I’m surprised there are actually Croc Haters out there! Go figure.

One of the best things about them is I can wear them working out in the yard and if they get dirty, hose them down, dry them off, spay them with foot spray and have them back on my sweet smelling tootsies in under 5 minutes!

Crocks rock!

Seriously though,all Croc-loving aside…even though I don’t have scientific method to back me up, I still swear by the Selsun Blu. It kills nasty, itchy, smelly shit dead. Other sweet smelling bath and beauty soaps just can’t touch foot stink like Selsun Blu.

Moonlight Kayak Adventure

Last night, BF and I went on a 4-hour, full moon, river-kayaking adventure. Sounds lovely and romantic, doesn’t it?

BF wasn’t too keen on the idea at first, so I really had to sell him on the idea…”Oh! Kayaking is easy! It’s for beginners! Anyone can do it! You won’t get wet. It will be so beautiful. I’ve done it lots of times. It can’t be as difficult as ocean kayaking and that was easy.” He had never been kayaking before but kindly agreed to go.

I signed us up for the trip.

Last time I was kayaking was about 9 years ago in the ocean in Hawaii. I was 9 years younger, 70 lbs. lighter and in far better shape then. I just rented the boat and went out paddling around on my own. Prior to that I had only been kayaking in lakes in California…and again, those times, I simply rented a boat and took a leisurely little paddle. I assumed river kayaking at night couldn’t be very different…otherwise, they wouldn’t take beginners do it…right?

Ha ha ha!

BF gets to say “I told you so” as long as it takes him for him to tire of it! After last night, that might be a while. Although we’re both too damned tired to do much else.

The reality of what we were doing set in moments before we put out boats in the water. It was about 9:30 pm. The moon hadn’t risen yet and it was very dark. The river looked black and ominous and the safety briefing and signing of waivers left me feeling kind of queasy.

I wasn’t on the river more than 20 minutes before I ended up in the water! It was a very gentle spill. I paddled into the shallows, hit bottom and just fell out. One minute I was in the boat, the next minute, I was kneeling in about a foot and a half of warm river water, yelling, “CAPSIZED!” The wretched and utter shame welled up inside me. I was sure BF was somewhere ahead of me laughing his ass off…but I was WRONG! He had fallen in too!

We both had to paddle the rest of way in heavy, cold, wet, street clothes. The thermos of hot coffee I brought was somewhere at the bottom of the river. It was a little uncomfortable, but not a freezing as I thought it would be. Having to paddle as hard as we did to keep up with the group kept us warm…or at least kept our minds off the cold.

There were moments that were absolutely magical and many others that were just …well, moments.

Our lead guide (and tour owner) was really wonderful – very calm and confident. I followed him through one particularly treacherous part of water and made it through just fine. He called out commands to me. I did EXACTLTY what he said and amazingly it worked! His junior assistants were all very strong kayakers and could rescue you if you fell in, but lacked his coaching ability and great, reassuring boat-side manner. They ALL earned their money last night.

At the very end of the trip, I was shocked by the final stretch of water we passed through. If I knew water like that existed on that river, I would have never gone. At the very end of our safety briefing, we were told about a small waterfall, strong current and rapids…but by then my head was swimming and in some way it just didn’t register with me.

“WATERFALL!”…HELLO!

By the time we approached the final stretch, the lights on many (including BF and my) boats had burned out. Commands were yelled “Single File!” We were all supposed to follow one by one through a narrow ribbon of water, surrounded by rapids to the left...and the big dip to the right.

The currents were strong.

Second to last in line, I watch as BF fell out of his boat and went under, then popped up. I started yelling, “BF is Capsized!” and then realized I was being pulled into a strong eddy! I began paddling wildly, when the guide yelled back for me to “Just go with it, Barbora!” I did. I got a wild ride and my kayak was turned around completely, but I didn’t fall out! I got pulled into a beautiful area of dead water behind one of the supports for the bridge and just sat there enjoying the stunning view while the team pulled BF back to shore, drained the water from his boat and got him back on the river.

It was 1:30 am when we got back to the car and 3 am by the time we had a snack, warmed out bones and showered. We slept really well last night.

BF and I are EXTREMELY sore today. We both took aspirin before bed last night and again with our coffee this morning.

What was I thinking? I guess I wasn’t thinking…critically at least. Sometimes I still get myself an enthusiasm and just go with it. Perhaps this is a good thing?

For anyone who might be wondering or considering such an excursion themselves, river-kayaking is NOT the same as kayaking on a lake or even the ocean! It is very different. It is even more different when you’re over 40 and overweight.

Would I do it again? Maybe, provided I was in better shape (a little) and knew the river I was traveling on by daylight first….once the pain has dissipated, that is.

The tour owner phoned us today to see if we were…”alright?”
Ha ha ha! He REALLY earned his money last night!